Debauched, Dissipated, and Dissolute
by Smerby
Summary: A lighthearted parody of the concept of Hermione's first time. Throughout the world of fanfiction, Hermione has lost it to just about everyone... except, maybe, a few in this story!


**Debauched, Dissipated, and Dissolute**

* * *

Hermione gazed down lovingly at the man on the bed. Twirling his black hair through her fingers, she lay above his head, the lush mattress molding to fit her curvaceous body. The man smiled a small, content smile as his eyes fluttered closed. 

"See, Severus? If you just took the time to relax a little, you wouldn't be so tense all the time." Hermione glanced at the angry red marks adorning his neck and trailing down his back. After prodding the spots of tension is his back with her wand, Hermione had attempted to elbow him for his massage. After several minutes of this toil, Snape had then asked when she would begin his massage. Rubbing her blistering elbows, Hermione had resigned to relieving the surly Professor's muscle tension with some rough sex. Now, cooing softly to him while massaging his scalp and twirling his hair, Hermione languished in their post-coital escapade.

"Oh, silence, woman. Maybe I wouldn't be so tense if I wasn't designated to teaching bloody idiots." He opened an eye slightly and flashed a small, wicked grin. Hermione rolled her eyes and tossed her thick mane of honeybutter, toffee (with a side of whip cream, please) curls.

"You are insufferable," she said, relishing in the oily texture of her lover's hair.

"Hmm, doesn't that sound familiar?" he quipped. Hermione wrinkled her nose at him. How she loved when he was so relaxed! He always talked easier, and even made jokes. What wonders an explosive orgasm could do!

After awhile, Snape began to slip into a hypnagogic state. A drowsy Hermione soon began dozing as well. Snape, in his days of spying, never slipped into such a condition. Even now, he made sure to fall completely asleep quickly, lest he mistakenly say something while unaware. His slipping into such a somnolent state with Hermione showed how much he trusted the witch.

Of course, that didn't stop Snape from groggily asking a question that had been on his mind since the beginning of their relationship.

"'Ermione?" he asked, yawning in the process.

"Hmm?" she said sleepily, becoming more awake.

"I…" Yawn. "… Always wondered…" Yawn.

"Severus! Get some sleep; questions can wait 'til morning…" Hermione said, stroking the man's large nose.

"Hermione, since you're not a virgin…"

Hermione nodded slowly in acknowledgement. What was he playing at?

"Who did you lose it to?"

Hermione's eyes grew wide, and then she blinked slowly. She had always planned to work up a believable story of her first sexual experience, filled with awkwardness and possibly a made-up Muggle boy. She figured a story like that would amuse Snape, distract him from her past sex life, and prevent any wizard or Muggle from getting dismembered in the process. Snape had known she wasn't a virgin, but Hermione knew it had always chafed him. He was a possessive man… by no means abusive, but still very jealous of any other men in Hermione's life. Hermione swore she had once heard him argue with Crookshanks after the cat had sat on her lap for a lengthy period of time.

Therefore, Hermione had planned to concoct a story to placate Snape's jealousy on the issue of her "first time."

Unfortunately, Hermione had been far too busy - studying for her Arithmancy practical and submitting to Snape's trampling fetish - to fabricate a story.

By this point in Hermione's frenzied thinking, Snape had become fully aware of his surroundings.

"Hermione?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Err… uh! Well…" Hermione was blushing, and fidgeting.

"Hermione…"

Hermione held up a hand. Snape was being far too gentle about his question. She didn't enjoy taking it up the arse from him because he was gentle.

"Severus, please, don't worry about being delicate around the issue… You deserve to hear the truth about my past, uh… experiences. You told me yours, after all."

Snape reddened. "Yes, that may be true… but Hermione…" Snape flushed even more. "You know there was only that one time with Hooch…"

"Yes, yes, I know!" Hermione explained, waving her hands in an effort to stifle his speech. "I'm still trying to forget the fact that she… he… Hooch is a hermaphrodite."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "You know, I wouldn't act so disgusted. Your middle name might as well be Aphrodite."

"Ha, ha," she shot back. He just loved using the fact that her name sounded like someone who possessed ambiguous genitalia.

"Hermione?"

"Yes, Severus?"

Snape sounded just like the old Potions master whose words used to make her tremble. "Why don't you answer the question?"

Exasperated, Hermione threw up her hands. "Fine, I'll answer your damned question!"

"Tut, tut. Language, Miss Granger."

Ignoring how he addressed her, Hermione laid her hands in her lap, and sighed. "Well, let me start with the last man I bedded before I fell in love with you…"

* * *

Snape practically gulped. Despite his current knowledge of Hermione's impossible stamina and unprecedented experimentation in sexual positions, he had always been under the impression that he was the first man with whom she had performed such debauchery. Feeling embarrassed at his ignorance, Snape came to the realization that Hermione was most likely not the prudish, inexperienced book-worm he had once thought she was.

Hermione took a deep breath.

"If he's one of the Bloody Ball Sacks, I don't want to know."

If looks could kill, Snape would be dead enough to cover several hundred cats' lives.

"You absolute bastard… Just, please, please stop referring to Harry and Ron like…"

"Did you have sex with either of them?"

"No!"

Looking more content, Snape sighed. "Fine, they can just be the Dribbling Douches."

"You could always call them Harry and Ron!"

Snape snorted.

Growing more furious by the second, Hermione finally exclaimed, "It was Draco!"

Snape's jaw dropped. "You must be joking."

Looking indignant, but blushing all the same, Hermione shook her head. "No, I'm not joking. We only dated for a few months."

"Impossible. He never told me."

"Does he need to tell you everything?"

"Why, yes, he does."

Hermione snorted before Snape snorted back. After a quick "snorting fight," Snape sighed.

"Fine. I don't particularly want to know the details."

"That's fine, Severus… if any of this is too uncomfortable to hear, just let me kn-"

"For the love of scorned house-elves, Hermione!"

Hermione nodded approvingly at his expression.

Continuing his exclamation, Snape said, "Hermione, I am perfectly capable of listening to you talk about your past sex life!"

"Fine!" Hermione exclaimed. "Then you don't care about the one night stand with Neville!"

Snape practically sputtered.

"Hmph!" Hermione harrumphed, folding her arms across her chest.

"No, no, Hermione. I'm perfectly capable of listening to your history. I simply swallowed wrong."

Hermione raised an eyebrow, perfectly emulating her lover. Snape felt compelled to lick her eyebrow and then silence her mouth with the same tongue. He thought better of it, though.

"Then there was…"

"Were you drunk?"

"What?" Hermione questioned.

"With Longbottom."

"Yes."

"Very well, then." Snape felt slightly better about that one. He was too busy to argue the point as he was busy trying to rid his mind of the thoughts of Hermione and Neville humping over a pile of melted cauldrons.

"Then… Oh, I had forgotten about Creevey…"

Snape's eyebrows shot up to his greasy hairline.

"Oh, don't look like that, Severus. Colin's very nice. We were just friends… Besides, you asked to hear all of this!"

"Ah," Snape said quietly, "I actually asked how you lost your virginity, and to whom… not for details of your past sex life."

Hermione blushed a deep crimson. "Oh… Oh, Severus… I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to subject you to all of this! That's all there was…"

"So you lost your virginity to the Creevey boy?"

"Well, no…"

Snape's eyebrows again shot up to his hairline. "Merlin's balls, woman! How old were you throughout these escapades, may I ask?"

"Oh, hmm… I believe twenty-one and twenty-two with Draco…twenty-one with Neville, and I think I was twenty with Colin."

"And there were more before these?"

Blushing, but holding her head up high none-the-less, Hermione nodded.

Snape had to admit he felt a bit squeamish at the idea of her, or anyone, having sex at a younger age. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he hadn't felt a sexual urge until after Hogwarts. Maybe that had something to do with him getting his first pubes at age twenty?

"How many before them?"

Hermione looked shifty.

"I'm sorry, Hermione." He looked at her softly. "Please continue."

Hermione shot him a scathing look. "Don't take that gentle tone with me, Severus Snape. I know you're probably fuming inside." An image of his organs dancing around a fire flashed into her mind. "If you don't want me to continue, just say so."

If there was one person who could compete with Hermione in being stubborn, it was Severus Snape. Clenching his teeth, he grinned a weak grin.

"I insist you continue."

Rolling her cinnamon, vanilla, mocha-cappe latte, hazelnut brown eyes, Hermione sighed. "Well, the only other relationship I'd consider serious before you and I was in the summer after I graduated from Hogwarts…"

Snape nodded in recognition. He was aware of her year-long relationship with Terry Boot.

"I can understand you having your first sexual encounter with Boot, Hermione. It was a relationship you held close to your… Why are you looking at me like that?"

Hermione's eyes kept darting from him to the ceiling.

"Severus… ah… how can I put this?"

Severus' eyebrow rose. Hermione felt a carnal need to lick that eyebrow and then snog him senseless. But she thought better of it.

"Terry… Terry wasn't my first."

Snape's years of spying were beginning to show. He didn't react at all to her statement; she wasn't sure if his anger or his silence was worse.

"Well, then, Hermione, who was your first?" Snape was beginning to talk in that deceptively kind voice he used when he was about to assign a week's detention for sneezing into a potion. Hermione steeled herself. She wasn't in school anymore!

"Well, the summer before my seventh year, Fred and George and I…"

"Hermione! A threesome? At Grimmauld Place? At _fifteen_?"

She shot him a look, and continued, "… began to spend more time together. George and I developed a brief relationship, and well…"

A vein above Severus' eyebrow twitched. "So you did bed a Weasley."

"Don't give me that tone of voice, Severus! You asked if I had slept with Ron, not with a Weasley. And besides, I was practically eighteen at the time! Have you no concept of the ages of your students?"

Snape snorted. "They all look like five year old gnomes to me."

Hermione shot him a smoldering look, and glided her slim hand across the top of her exposed ta-tas. "Do I look like a five year old gnome to you, Severus?" She pouted, sticking her full lower lip out as she looked at him beneath her thick, rich espresso black eyelashes.

Snape growled at her. "Control yourself, temptress." He felt an excited flush rise up his neck as his manhood began to spring to action. But Severus Snape was all about self-control. He wanted to know whose wanger had first been up her delectable chuff, and by Merlin's shriveled-up balls, he'd find out!

Hermione fluttered her decadent, mahogany-truffle eyelashes once more, and sighed. "Alright, alright… well, the fall of my sixth year was… oh, I had forgotten…" She let out an annoyed groan.

Snape quirked an eyebrow. "Oh, did Miss Know-It-All make a mistake?"

Hermione ignored him. "Cormac McLaggen."

Snape stared at her. McLaggen, McLaggen…

Then realization hit.

"The boy who ate the Doxy eggs? I had to administer the antidote to him when he came to the hospital wing vomiting up little black wings!"

"The very one." She sighed again.

"Hermione…" He had to admit it; he was surprised. The boy was the biggest idiot he had ever met. "McLaggen… It just had to be a Gryffindor who would be your first…"

Hermione again looked nervous.

Snape stared at her with his black licorice eyes. "Don't tell me he wasn't your first."

"Well, if you don't want me to tell you…"

Then realization hit again.

"You were having _sex _at Hogwarts?" He felt his pulse quickening, the vein in his eyebrow throbbing more painfully.

"Oh, settle down, Severus! I was seventeen - a legal adult in the Wizarding world!"

"Oh, that's all fine and good," he sputtered sarcastically, beginning to lose his iron will of control, "but sexual intercourse is strictly prohibited among Hogwarts students."

"Well, I know that, Severus…" She glanced at one of the many bookcases adorning the wall. One had a shelf entirely devoted to her collections of _Hogwarts, a History_. There was one encased in red, one in gold, and one was a first edition; she even had a rare copy translated into Merpeople…

"Well, you breaking rules does not surprise me. I believe you still owe some boomslang skin to the Potions department?"

She flushed, slightly embarrassed. He'd never actually mentioned the incident from her second year. At least he had forgotten what they were talki-

"But wait! McLaggen wasn't your first?" Snape had cut her off again.

She blushed.

Snape lay back fully on the bed. The idea that his studious little lioness had once been a wanton, hormonal teenager like every other student he had taught… well, it was a bit of a shock. Closing his eyes, he acquiesced to taking the rest like a man.

"Go on, Hermione. Just… tell me everything."

"Well, in my fourth year…"

"Fourteen, Hermione! Fourteen?"

She blushed deeper. "Fifteen, actually. But continuing… Viktor Krum and I had, well, taken a liking to each other. I actually did enjoy his company, you know."

Snape attempted to relax. "I see you enjoyed the darker side of men, even then."

She grinned. "Viktor was hardly 'dark,' and neither are you."

He massaged his temples absently. "Well, I suppose having a celebrity as your first is something not many can say…"

Hermione grinned weakly. Snape looked at her closely. Was she breaking into a sweat?

"Hermione…" His tone was one of warning.

She looked defeated. "Viktor wasn't my first either…"

Snape sat up and stared at her. Who was the woman sitting in front of him? He never would have pegged - no pun intended - the buck-toothed, bushy-haired Granger girl to be a licentious little scarlet woman!

She held his hands weakly in hers. "Severus, you asked who my first was, and I will tell you. It may be a bit of a shock, although I feel nothing was wrong with it. Everyone deserves respect, love, and passion. I just want you to prepare yourself."

He didn't like the sound of this.

"Now, remember my first year?" she questioned.

He really did not like the sound of this.

"Before I was friends with Ron and Harry, I had heard them talking about me on my way out of class. I had taken it rather badly at the time, and had run to the loo in a sobbing mess. When I had entered, I met a kind troll named Beyuhgrrlari. We talked a bit, and well, before I knew it…"

Snape stared at her.

"… I think we got into a bit of a spat afterwards, so he started stampeding about before Harry and Ron came."

Snape pulled his hands from Hermione. He kept rubbing one hand over his face, tugging at his mouth as if he was insane. Hermione noted he was beginning to look a bit green.

"Severus, you were the one who asked…"

"No, no." He was beginning to mumble nonsensically. "I have to go." And without another word, he left the room. Hermione wondered if he would notice his nudity. Hearing a stifled scream from a student through the decrepit wall of the dungeons, Hermione realized he hadn't.

* * *

Hermione did not hear from Snape for the next two days. He had avoided her at all costs; he hadn't shown up at any meals, hadn't sat near her at the staff meetings, and hadn't even acknowledged the countless letters she had sent him by owl. Hermione, busy with her student teaching under Professor Vector, hadn't had an occasion to see Snape face to face, but on Tuesday, she had her chance.

That morning, Hermione arrived earlier to breakfast than usual, only to be greeted by the sight of her favorite professor's tight ass in front of the High Table. Hermione grinned. Professor McGonagall was indeed wearing rather fetching robes today. Beside McGonagall, though, was the black-robed form of Professor Snape. Grinning more widely, Hermione picked up her step to reach the man.

Hermione nodded to the few students up at this hour who greeted her with a friendly, "Good morning, Miss Granger." The Deputy Headmistress soon walked away, leaving Snape's back to a practically running Hermione Granger. Finally, catching her breath, Hermione reached the man and slipped her arms discretely around his back.

Snape stiffened. "Hermione."

She rolled her pumpkin spice chai tea, beef stew brown eyes. "Oh, Severus. You can't be serious. You didn't think that all I told you was true, did you?"

Severus relaxed slightly. "Well, no, of course not…"

Hermione laughed. "Severus, honestly. A troll? Viktor Krum when I was fifteen? _Cormac McLaggen_?"

He practically laughed. It was such a relief to hear those words. For the past two nights he had been staring at his penis, imagining how it had rested in the same place a troll and Neville Longbottom had. He had resorted to resisting the urge to cut if off by tying his hands to the cheeks of his buttocks and rolling about his room.

Hermione sighed lovingly, inhaling his smell of rotten mushrooms and spoiled gillyweed. _Mm_, she mused, _potions ingredients_!

"So, not all of it was true?" Severus asked cautiously, feigning nonchalance.

"Correct. Just Terry and Draco…"

Snape turned and silenced her with a brief kiss. The few first years present in the hall gasped and moved to the far ends of their tables. "Did you see that?" they asked each other. "Professor Snape just sucked Miss Granger's blood!"

Hermione hugged him close to her, his head nuzzling her neck. Several first years, by this point, were in near-hysterics.

"I'm so glad we can put this behind us now," Hermione said gratefully.

"Mm," Severus mumbled in agreement.

Hermione glanced above his shoulder at the High Table behind them. Professor Flitwick gave her a wicked grin and wink before returning to his porridge.

Hermione's eyes widened. Hmm, she had forgotten about Filius…

**The End!**

* * *

**Note:** Hehe! Thank you all so much for reading this. This, I suppose, was a little plot bunny, kneazle, emu - whatever animal that pleases you - that wouldn't go away. I kind of poked minor fun at a few things I see turn up in SS/HG fanfictions. Of course, the major subject of this parody is the subject of Hermione's "first time." I personally never could believe the concept of Hermione losing her virginity just to "be rid of it"... but then, that's me! Further more, I think this parody will be a little more understood to anyone that's ever read some stories on Ashwinder; I recommend you check out this SS/HG archive, especially if you want to know where I'm coming from for this parody. Anyway, that's my justification for my perverted little "story." Thank you all for reading! Also, thanks to snarkyroxy for beta-ing this this sorry little excuse for humor. 

Thanks again for reading! Please review and let me know what you think! (P.S. If you don't approve of the pairing, well... it's a parody, anyway!) Thanks again for your time, everyone:)


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